Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Letting Go

Today I attended a workshop with other female cancer patients for the "Look Good Feel Great" workshop put on by the American Cancer Society. They gave makeup tips for lost eyelashes and eyebrows and showed us how to do head wraps with scarves and fabric to cover those bald heads of ours. We received free makeup and lots of tips as well. It is a wonderful ministry. We all joked that we looked so good we needed to go out and paint the town red (or pink as I joked being a breast cancer patient). It is so encouraging to be around other women dealing with cancer who just "roll with the punches" so to speak. They just pick themselves up and carry on.

The workshop today came at a great time. This week motherhood has felt like controlled chaos to me. Do you guys remember those old commercials where the mother is pulling her hair out and yelling "Calgon take me away!" That is what I was feeling like last night. I know part of the reason I feel stressed is because sometimes I have high expectations of myself and my children. We expect our children to be exceptionally well behaved in public, to do great with their schoolwork and always listen to us. I feel like this week I've had an issue with all of those things. Laura has achievement testing next week and I know she is not taking it seriously. My children misbehaved in front of someone I know and respect this week. I was embarrassed. Being a mom is very messy (and I'm not just talking about dirty diapers). I know these things are little in the great scheme of life. I know they will pass but they can be so frustrating.

This week I am finding myself just throwing up my hands and saying "Help, Lord" because the truth is I can do everything to my fullest but there are some things I just cannot control. I am clinging to several verses one of which my nephew just wrote on the blog today Psalm 62:8, "Oh my people, trust Him all the time. Pour out your longings before Him, for He can help!"
I'm not giving up, but I am letting go, praying, and just trusting in Him... not just with the cancer but in everything else too. Lots of love,

Kerry

9 comments:

  1. Good morning Kerry,

    Oh how I can relate with the children issue!!!!Children really are a blessing from the Lord and I believe that with all my heart and my children have definitly blessed me and continue to do so every day. However, with that said, they can still frustrate me to no end sometimes!!! :) Having 3 boys is a truly wonderful, exciting, adventurous, and trying experience. There are times we will go out shopping and they act like they have never been out of the house before! They go wild and behave as though they were never taught proper public behavoir! I just look at them with confusion saying "What are you doing??!!!" I have been told by many people that I have very nice respectful young men, so I cling to that thought when they are running around acting like wild monkeys. I don't know your girls all that well, but from what I have gathered by reading about them, I know they are wonderful, smart, respectful, thoughtful, and caring young ladies. Just blame their behavior on the full moon this week!! :)Hang in there! I have found that raising children is like riding a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs and some really big curves somtimes. But, it is a ride worth being on, so hold on tight and enjoy it!

    I will be praying for you with your upcoming chemo treatment. I pray that it is uneventful as is the days to follow. I pray that you will be up to going to the Women's Expo. Through the awesome power of our Lord, I am sure you will be able to go and do His work!

    Love,
    Shelly

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  2. Kerry,

    I am glad you were encouraged by the event held by the American Cancer Society. I know you looked beautiful before and after! I love getting free stuff!
    I think we all need to ultimately trust our children to God. It can be so difficult to know how to parent them and handle various situations. I think we all get frustrated because we love them so much and want all good things for them.
    You are such a terrific mother, Kerry. I am so proud of you. Keep plugging away! I am so proud of my neices and think they are wonderful!
    Remember how much I love you,

    Mitzi

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  3. Kerry,

    I am so glad that you got to go to the workshop. I think that would be so helpful and encouraging. I continue to pray that you will feel good through this next treatment so that you can go this weekend as well.

    Girl, there is not a one of us seasoned mothers who doesn't know exactly how the parenting struggle goes. I was a good mom with one small child. Once I had two, and they were fighting over who gets a bedtime story first, or who gets what seat, it became a struggle. (Truly, it probably would have become a struggle anyway, even with just one, but the two made it start a little earlier, I think!) Now, with three kids, I am just humiliated most of the time. I shake my head, don't look up, and keep going! I have good boys, I hope, but it IS a struggle! I thank God for my very good friends who struggle along with me, and love my kids anyway. And I will love their kids when they mess up too. I am scared to go around people who don't have small kids, out of fear that they won't understand, or that they have forgotten what it was like, and will think my kids are bad, and that I am therefore a bad parent. And then I give myself guilt for being prideful. And the list goes on and on. We all just have to do the best we can, I guess. But, let me just say, I AM WITH YOU in that struggle! I am sure you are doing a great job! And I promise to love Laura and Leslie even when they misbehave! (And Shelly DOES have great boys, and I always enjoy watching her and Mike parenting them at church functions and shaking their heads, because I am so thankful to have THEM to understand what I am going through too! And her boys are older, so I know that my job has only just begun!) EEEK! But my little boys have challenged me and forced me to grow into a better person. It is so very rewarding. I would give anything for them. And I am going to have ONE DIFFICULT ADJUSTMENT when they leave this house. Who am I again? What do I talk about? What do I do with myself? They are my life and my job! So Rafe always reminds me of that and encourages me to love it and cherish it and treasure this time while it lasts! They give me my WILL and my inspiration to be the best that I can be!
    Well, I could talk about that all day. (obviously)

    Kerry, you have great girls. I just know it. There will be days like this! I am praying for you!

    Amy

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  4. Kerry,

    I just caught the "paint the town pink" comment. Very witty!

    Remember how much I love you and think you are too funny!

    Mitzi

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  5. Dear Kerry,

    I so understand how you have been feeling this week :-) I love Shelly's analogy of a roller coaster ride. That is certainly what it feels like to me. Just when I think I have parenting somewhat figured out, they grow or change in some way and then there is a totally new issue to deal with :-) Kids are great at teaching us love, joy and forgiveness, however; they are also great at giving us crash courses in humility and exposing our selfishness and high expectations. We want so much to spare our children hurt and failure, but I think through those things they are being shaped into the adults God wants them to be. It is especially hard if it concerns testing or grades that you know may affect their future in some way and they don't understand why it matters. You are so right to trust God in it because it is out of our control. We can guide, pray and discipline but ultimately they are God's children and he alone can really change their hearts. Hang in there, Laura and Leslie are two very precious girls with many strengths and yes, a few weaknesses :-), but with you and Randy there for them they will be fine. Tests will come and go, what really matters is that your girls know they are loved by so many, and that God loves them too :-)
    Speaking of kids, Heather found a verse at school that she wanted to share with you. It is Psalms 16:11. "Thou wilt show me the path of life. In thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." When I read a verse like this those CRASH courses in humility are a little easier to take :-)
    We will be praying for you tomorrow during your 3rd chemo treatment. I pray that you have even less side effects than you did for the 2nd so that you will feel strong and ready to meet Robin at the women's expo this Saturday. I think it may be another God-incidence that Robin will be in Knoxville this weekend!! Handing out t-shirts is such a wonderful way to show others God's love. We will have to work hard at behaving, since Mitzi won't be there to keep us in line :-) I won't even need to borrow any accessories with my sister’s pin, pink breast cancer pin and my t-shirt, I'm set :-) Maybe, you could bring me a pink purse to carry or a scarf to sling around. I can't be a fashionista and "paint the town pink" with you without something to carry!!
    Remember how much you are loved and prayed for!!! I look forward to Saturday!!
    Love,
    Shannon

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  6. Kerry, Sorry I haven't written in awhile - I've had a really bad cold. Poor Jim has had to pick up the slack around here. I know right now it's so hard to see what lies ahead, but you are doing a great job as a mom and a wife. I've been there when my kids have acted up. We've had to leave resturants before. I have on more than one occasion had to take them to the bathroom to straighten out their attitude. But what I have had to do is understand this is just "the moment". While sometimes that moment feels like a week,(or a month!) kids just don't have the maturity to sort out their emotions. Your girls are great kids - believe me I've had them in Sunday School. Also you'll be surprise at how well they'll do on their tests. Every year I fret and get all worked up. My kids take the tests, miss stuff I know they know, and Im always delightfully surprise when we get their scores back. They're going to do great!!! I'm still praying for you - today I'll pray especially for peace about motherhood, and for your girls tests. Yes, motherhood is messy but we wouldn't trade it for the world.

    Love and lots of hugs!!!!
    Renee

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  7. Sweet Kerry,

    First of all I am so glad that you had a chance to go to the workshop and be with other women to laugh and joke with. I will be praying that your side effects of your chemo will be minimal and that the peace of God will be with you throughout the days.

    Now if I can for a moment I would like to address all the mothers who have responded to Kerry's blog along with you Kerry, you all are doing a WONDERFUL job as mothers and have terrific children. You all are showing them Jesus by being their mom. Keep up the good work all of you! You're doing a great job.

    It is worth it when you see them walk down the isle of church or confess in their hearts that they have accepted Jesus.

    So for each of you my prayer is that God will give you that extra peace you need when you are ready to pull your hair out and Shout Calgon take me away, that extra amount of humility and that extra stength as you go on teaching, guiding and loving your precious children.

    Much love,
    Lorrie

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  8. Kerry, my name is Beverly Mixon @ I'am a Breast Cancer survivor of 9 yrs. Marian Henry goes to our church and that is where I was told about you. I was the one that always did my Mamograms, made every apt, did every scan, but I still got it. I actually had a car wreck coming home from church one day. At the time I was very angry and didn't understand why, but the wreck actually brought the cancer to the surface. I had a mastecomy and had chem and radiation, (boy was that awful, but it worked). I developed Lymphdemia in my left arm because of all the lymph nodes that were taken out (25) they all were cancerous. I wear a compression sleeve 24/7. I pray that your treatments are going good, I know of the bone pain, but it will get better. God has healed me and it's His grace and mercy that I know sustains me. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us, He loves you that much. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  9. Kerry,My name is Linda Clark. I have known your husband Randy and his parents for over 20 years. They are wonderful people. When Shirley told me of your diagnosis, my heart sank and I shed tears, as did my husband. I too am a breast cancer survivor so I can relate to some of your experiences but not on the same level as mine was less advanced and at age 59. I am team recruitman chair for the Jefferson County Relay for Life and Shirley said you and your family were planning to attend the relay. You also have permission to sell your tshirts there if you like. I am anxious to meet you and am inspired by your courage and attitude. Would you consider doing an article for the local newspaper as you would be such an inspiration to others? Shirley knows how to reach me. I hope to be in contact with you soon and I pray for you daily.

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